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SUMMER is approaching, and with it music festivals booking legacy acts for lazy nostalgia draws. These acts will stretch out their 15 minutes of fame for an excruciating 40. AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure. THE world is mourning Po
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News
Ever since I was a small child, I have known the evil of the RNLI
2+ day, 16+ hour ago (549+ words) I STILL remember the awful chill, a sickening deadening feeling running through me, as I passed it. I cried whenever I saw the boat-shaped collection box of the RNLI. Even then, no more than four years old, I knew when…...
We are also available for far-right birthday parties, say 300 masked men
5+ day, 21+ hour ago (421+ words) THE 300 masked men who blockaded the port of Dover have confirmed they are also available to arrive in force at far-right birthday parties. The men of Patriot Platform announced their arrival on the UK’s entertainment scene with a short blockade…...
We ask you: What British event should we make a new Bayeux tapestry of?
1+ week, 23+ hour ago (142+ words) THE Bayeux Tapestry records the birth of Britain as a nation when we heroically lose a fight to the French. What should be on a new one? Mary Fisher, cleaner: “Strictly series 5, when Alisha Dixon won. No, series 18 when Bill…...
Starmer: 'My father made one supreme tool. It is I"
1+ week, 3+ day ago (375+ words) KEIR Starmer has resigned from Parliament after realising his toolmaker father spent his childhood crafting one perfect tool, and that he is it. The former prime minister, thought to be the first to lose office simply because everyone despised him,…...
Transfer deadline day also a bank holiday, men tell bosses
1+ week, 4+ day ago (466+ words) MEN in offices have explained to their superiors that today is also a bank holiday if you are sufficiently into football. Anyone who has a season ticket, a Sky Sports subscription or a Fantasy League team is allowed to attend…...
Burnham gives Ukraine blueprints for bus harmonisation
2+ week, 5+ day ago (191+ words) HARRY and Meghan are thought to be reeling in shock after their whole return to Britain was shattered by a picture of beautiful Kate smiling delightedly. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are rethinking their entire plan to ingratiate themselves…...
We ask you: What's your libellous theory of why Harry and Meghan are moving to the UK?
3+ week, 1+ day ago (393+ words) THE Duke and Duchess of Sussex are moving to Britain, and we’ve all got our own legally inadmissible opinions as to why. What’s yours? Roy Hobbs, roofer: “Satanic abuse network collapsed and they’re fleeing arrest most likely, same as Ellen....
Homeless people are untidy, Britain reluctantly agrees
3+ week, 3+ day ago (447+ words) DESPITE the UK’s natural unwillingness to help the unfortunate, Burnham’s plan to end rough sleeping has won support because they are rather scruffy. Britons have agreed that much as they are against kindness on principle, if it makes their town…...
Burnham: I only sexted White House hoaxer
3+ week, 4+ day ago (323+ words) By Richard Tice, Reform shadow minister for not being Farage and MP of somewhere urgh WHY the hysteria? Climate change can’t be fought. Instead, follow these simple rules and you’ll find yourself savouring the wildfires in your neighbourhood. Choose a…...
We visit the five least friendly towns in England to get told to f**k off
3+ week, 4+ day ago (268+ words) Barking and Dagenham, London A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them. Nikki Hollis, aged 28, is anxious that her spontaneous hook-up is progressing too quickly and…...