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SUMMER is approaching, and with it music festivals booking legacy acts for lazy nostalgia draws. These acts will stretch out their 15 minutes of fame for an excruciating 40. AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure. THE world is mourning Po
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News
Middle-aged man puts back out masturbating
4+ day, 2+ hour ago (456+ words) A MAN in his early 50s has thrown his back out during an otherwise routine session of self-abuse, he has confirmed. Homeworker Joshua Hudson of Winchester was cracking one out during his lunch break, in order to provide himself with motivation…...
Husband baffled by concept of being 'in the mood' for sex
5+ day, 25+ min ago (505+ words) A MAN has been left confused by his wife turning down intercourse on the basis of not being ‘in the mood’, which is not an issue he has experienced. Nathan Muir says the odd idea came up when he asked…...
Who will present the BBC's woke new Top Gear reboot?
2+ week, 3+ day ago (523+ words) THE BBC is rebooting Top Gear and of course, like everything else that damned corporation produces, it will be hideously wokified. Miserable white man Roy Hobbs imagines the presenting shortlist: In the 21st century, even Top Gear viewers have accepted that…...
Picture of Kate smiling is sickening hammer blow to Sussexes' ambitions
2+ week, 5+ day ago (515+ words) HARRY and Meghan are thought to be reeling in shock after their whole return to Britain was shattered by a picture of beautiful Kate smiling delightedly. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are rethinking their entire plan to ingratiate themselves…...
Bride clearly angling bouquet toward specific friend
3+ week, 2+ day ago (462+ words) A NEWLYWED woman throwing her bouquet is very obviously trying to ensure it lands in the hands of a particular unwed friend. Despite it being her special day selfless bride Carrie Ryan is making sure the bouquet, bringing with it…...
Sussexes to handle unpopularity with British public by never, ever meeting them
3+ week, 2+ day ago (381+ words) ONE of President Trump’s personal staff who, nobody likes to think about it but it’s possible, may be having sex with him has come to prominence. Who is Natalie Harp? Surely not his lover The mind recoils and reaches for…...
'You're my lobster' and other quotes from TV shows people need to get the f**k over
3+ week, 5+ day ago (348+ words) THE unimaginative walk among us, still trotting out quotes from TV shows that ceased broadcast decades ago. These six scream ‘Jesus Christ, watch something else’: It was fun the first time Phoebe Buffay suggested that Friends couple Ross and Rachel…...
We visit the five least friendly towns in England to get told to f**k off
3+ week, 5+ day ago (268+ words) Barking and Dagenham, London A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them. Nikki Hollis, aged 28, is anxious that her spontaneous hook-up is progressing too quickly and…...
The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Burnham, not afraid to stand up to Big Disposable Barbecue
4+ week, 1+ day ago (637+ words) WAKING with a hangover that has left me so parched my body has declared an official water shortage and a hosepipe ban, I look over my typically busy schedule. Today I have numerous face-to-face meetings, and I am hoping they…...